That Old Clichéd Roller Coaster

"Clichés remind and reassure us that we're not alone, that others have trod this ground long ago."  -Miguel Syjuco

Recently, a friend and fellow volunteer of mine posted a chart on her blog that I had almost forgotten about. It was a chart that they had shown us when we first arrived in Uganda and it detailed the roller coaster that is moving to another country and engaging in service work. Seeing it was like a bright, solar-powered light bulb had just gone off over my head. Suddenly, everything I had been feeling made more sense.

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We are four to five months into our time here, and just look at that dip in the roller coaster! I wasn’t losing it. The frustration, the anger, the crying – it was all normal for this point in our transition. What an absolute relief. There’s something about knowing that you aren’t alone in what you are going through, that everyone goes through it, that there is even a detailed diagram of it…it makes everything just a little bit easier to deal with.

At the deepest of the drops on this ride thus far, I doubted everything I thought I had known about myself. My time here combined with my service work has led to countless self-revelations, and facing them has not always been easy. Many times I have felt deeply disappointed with myself, as an excerpt from my journal a few weeks ago illustrates:

“Being strong back in the States seems like a lie. The result merely of fortunate circumstances. But I still want that lie back. I want that easy life. Life here is hard, it’s too hard, and how much I want to escape from it, how much I want conveniences and luxuries and to understand what’s going on around me deeply ashames me. To my very core. It ashames me and seems to tell me, ‘See how much you want this Heidi? See your struggle here? This proves that you are not the warrior or the idealist that you imagined and daydreamed you were. You are not the hero or adventurer you loved to read about and compare yourself to. You are not living up to that picture of yourself that you held so near and dear, so secretly and delicately, to your heart. You are being tested, and you are failing.’”

Service is hard, and I knew that it would be, or I at least thought I did, and I thought I could face it. But as I have come to so acutely realize, knowing something and experiencing that something are two entirely different beasts. There are parts of me, secret self-doubts carefully nestled in distant corners of my mind, that I hadn’t dared disturb before. Being in the Peace Corps has dislodged those fears from their resting spots, shone light on those far-flung parts of myself. When times are hard, we have a tendency to cling to who we know we are. But when everything around us is unfamiliar and reality is often harsh, we start to question who we thought we were. It is easy to hide from that glaring reality instead; it is easy to stop the fight to avoid the pain.

But I haven’t stopped fighting, although it sometimes takes more effort than I could have dreamed possible. I continue to learn more about myself every day and am beginning to accept the fact that I am not, perhaps, who I thought I was. Most importantly, I have come to understand that going through this doesn’t mean that I am failing. Wise words from friends, progress being made in my service here, and most of all, time and further self-reflection has helped me start to climb the next hill on this clichéd but ever-so-real ride. I almost decided not to write about my experiences here at the bottom of the roller coaster for fear of worrying people back home, but I think that it is important to do so because this ride is one that many idealists set out on. Facing what it means to actually attempt to make a difference can be disheartening. The realities of service are often hard, as is any endeavor to effect real and lasting change.

But I have not given up, and I am not alone. I have realized that being strong doesn’t mean that you always feel strong; true growth and change is painful. The light that service is shining on those far-off corners of myself may be harsh and blinding, but I will adjust, and learn, and become the better for it. And perhaps, along the way, I will be able to do some good as well.

“There is always hardness of pain that comes with real internal change…when you look at great leaders who imparted change in the world, they often suffered a lot, sometimes spiritually, sometimes physically, in their journeys. But they found the joy in what they did because they were following their bliss.”

                                    - Andrea Ruggirello